Not Afraid
by lovedrreid
Summary: I'm not afraid to take a stand so everybody come take my hand we'll walk this route together through the storm whatever weather cold or warm just letting ya know that you're not alone holla if you feel like you've been down the same road. Warning: SI


A/N: This something different what I'm doing here. I recently told some readers who, literally, read and review all of my fics. **1xadzy3dgftw1xLSNx3dg1xMGG, Sue1313, ferret assassin nin, donttouch**. There may be one I've left out, but I want to thank all of their support. I don't think it's fair that I was going to quit writing to any of my readers, so I won't quit. Only when everybody on fanfiction tells me to stop writing, or drop dead will be the moment. I will try to update more often, and keep a schedule. I will fix my writing game a lot of people were looking into, and I will keep my promises of updating on the clock for Call Of Duty. Now that I've set my amends straight, I should get to the fic...

* * *

I'm not afraid to take a stand  
Everybody come take my hand  
We'll walk this road together, through the storm  
Whatever weather, cold or warm  
Just let you know that, you're not alone  
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em  
But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em  
Cause ain't no way I'm let you stop me from causing mayhem  
When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn  
What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world  
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me  
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly  
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony  
No if ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he  
From Infinite down to the last Relapse album he's still shit'n  
Whether he's on salary, paid hourly  
Until he bows out or he shit's his bowels out of him  
Whichever comes first, for better or worse  
He's married to the game, like a fuck you for christmas  
His gift is a curse, forget the earth he's got the urge  
To pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the universe

* * *

As in a world like this, I mean the world. I don't mean the fake dreams, I mean the torture I see. The mutilation everywhere, and blood spattered like a terrible scene from a horror movie. But I guess that's pretty much the same thing. Why would it be so similar then? Were these people just finding themselves in murder? Were they thinking that this would make them top, that we couldn't find them? These innocent people... just brutally murdered slowly and for what reason? I'm not sure much more of this I can take if people don't stop to see what they're doing. Some of these things... they're just so bad, I want to leave everyone and sit in that dark corner while writing in this journal. I just wish somebody could understand all that I'm saying.

November 2009-  
No, I didn't just do that. I know the statistics. Every forty seconds, somebody self harms in the UK, but why am I thinking of this right now? I have blood on my hand. A small amount, but still, it'll scab and scar. What will they think when I walk into work with a huge obvious scab there? It's obviously self inflicted. What am I going to do? I'll just put a bandaid over it... that's right. Make the obvious cover, well, the obvious. I hate to say it, but that's a really good idea... maybe... just maybe they won't ask. I won't do this ever again...

December 2009-  
I used a razor... and I hate to admit, it did relieve me, but now I feel like shit coming out of a ditch... I can't believe I did that. I wasn't going to let this get out of hand... and look at me now. I'm cutting my wrists with a razor. How does that make me look? Huh, wow. I can't believe I actually do this. I don't have a reason to do this, or do I? I guess really behind my fake smiles, there's a dark side that's just begging to be let out so the world knows my story. But then again, why am I so different? Why are my problems more important?

January 2010-  
I have this under control. I know I can do it. I've been done for a week, but... no... I can't do this... I'm sorry.

February 2010- This is the worst month for me. Just a little bad memory... it's alright though. I did slip up again and haven't been able to quit again for the past month... I'll do it though.

March 2010-  
I'm controlling it... it doesn't control me, so nothing's really been happening. I know I don't want to quit right now... so I guess I'll just go again. Maybe I can go tonight without crying, just maybe... I don't know. They're getting suspicious...

April-  
They found out. I'm not allowed to go back until I stop... I can't though. So now, I'll just sit back and wait for the right moment.

May 2010-  
I'm alone. I listen to sad music all night while I spend minutes just making more cuts. I'm running out of room. I need help, but I'm too afraid. I don't want to look weak to the sweet razor that caresses my skin leaving a line of blood in it's tracks that will slowly seep through skin.

June 2010-  
This is the second month. I talk to a therapist, and it's really working. I find myself more trusting. Next month, if I stay free, I can go back to work.

July 2010-  
Well, we all make mistakes. I guess I just made another one. No more work for me this month. I guess all I'm saying is to hell with it. I'm not gonna try.

August 2010-  
I have to try, I've just realized. I need to... to keep my family... I have to do it before I lose my job. I'm going back to therapy and talking to some people online. I think I can make it this time. I have to go. Another group session is soon.

So now I stand in front of the crowd for a speech day. I guess, I know, actually, I have mine down. So I begin to talk... tell the newer people that they're not alone.

"I'm not afraid to take a stand everybody come take my hand we'll walk this route together through the storm whatever weather cold or warm... so you know that you're not alone..."

Next month, I will walk into work...

The first day back, we will all meet in the conference room to get refocused, and so that I can talk...

"I will never go back to the way I was before. Relax..." And they all look proud, but why shouldn't they be. I'm proud too... hopefully, my speech really helped a lot of people on their way to a better life.

Relax, I ain't going back to that now  
All I'm tryna say is get back, click-clack BLAOW  
Cause I ain't playin' around  
There's a game called circle and I don't know how  
I'm way too up to back down  
But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out  
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't  
This fucking black cloud still follow's me around  
But it's time to exercise these demons  
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

* * *

Okay, this was different, but I'm proud of it. I just had to get some words out... the song Not Afraid by Eminem is a really great song, and is very inspiring. Just as a reference, the timeline wasn't just made up. All those things are exactly as happened to me... except for the last couple months. I really enjoyed writing this.

And for all of you who feel alone, you're not... ya need to talk, just PM me... and I'm usually here on fanfiction, or if you wanna talk in chat, just sign up at recoveryourlife then search under Community-member list-search members-xxlinkinparkxx and I should be the only one that lists. Just drop me a message. I'm always online, so that shouldn't be a problem XD anyways, I know this fic really sucked, but I wanted to get a message out.


End file.
